Bald Archy Prize: Shit-eating Rinehart wins, High Gillard Second

This years winner of the Bald Archy is likely to anger those of the conservative right but most of the country will likely be highly amused at the sight of ‘Shit-eating grin’, a portrait of Gina Rinehart smiling with feces smeared on her mouth and hands.

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‘Shit-eating Grin’ won because it depicts what so many Australians really think

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The award was voted for by a panel of 5 which included Andrew Bolt, who voted ‘0’ on anything criticizing the right. ‘Shit-eating Grin’ won with unanimous praise (except for Bolt, who gave it an F-), receiving high marks mostly for its humor, its ability to appeal to ordinary Australians, and its “accurate description of her selfish fat face”. Tom Buttson, the artist of the winning painting, was thrilled to have won the prize, and was very keen to explain the inspiration behind his creation.

“I was trying to think of something everyone wanted to see, that everyone could relate to. I was really stuck, my best effort was a painting of a cute cat I saw on youtube but it was still rubbish. One day when I had a few mates over one of them screamed out ‘Eat shit rich cunt!’ while listening to a story about the Rineharts, and it just hit me. Most of Australia hates Gina, and would love nothing more than to see her eat shit. So thats what i painted”.

“Its not even a very good painting. If I had been trying to paint a masterpiece, I would be feeling pretty bad right now. However the important thing about art is that people have to connect with it, and that’s exactly what this painting does. The brush strokes are blotchy, I ran out of certain colours, but people just love the imagery and really that’s all its about.”

The most common complaint coming from the right wing think-tank whenever one of their number is targeted or criticized in some way is that everyone else is just a hypocritical freedom hating greenie. However the Bald Archie judging panel has surely protected itself from such an accusation, with the second placed entry being a similar painting targeting Julia Gillard entitled ‘Win the election, you must be high!’.

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Gillard must be completely high if she thinks she will win the upcoming election

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Painter Janet Jokeson  describes her inspiration as being “very similar to Tom’s with his painting. One day I was listening to the radio and heard Julia going on about how she still believes she will win the election and I just thought: What the fuck are you smoking? You must be high! And I just painted that”. Mrs Jokeson explained that she had originally planned to paint an image focused around Gillard’s excessive use of the phrase “Moving forward”, although she decided it would be more appropriate for an upcoming installation. “I plan to create a circular track in which the public can constantly be moving forward until their minds crack or turn to mush, simulating the experience of a Gillard press conference”.

Removing baby bonus will hurt sales: Gerry Harvey

Gerry Harvey has taken aim at suggestions of scrapping the baby bonus in his latest campaign to drum up support from the Gillard government. In what he describes as “A vicious attack on the retail sector by leftie communists”, Harvey claims that the removal of the baby bonus will rip millions of dollars out of the electronics retail sector.

“The baby bonus has been a huge boon for us since it was introduced” said Harvey, “Plasma TV sales have gone through the roof! General electronic sales have also increased substantially, and these increases have been facilitated by the baby bonus!”. Harvey points to research which indicates that “young bogans” receive the majority of the baby bonus payments made each year, many of which have already received multiple payments, and who should therefore already have the necessary equipment which the bonus is supposed to provide for. The research also shwos that this money is predominantly spent on flatscreen TVs, electronic devices such as ipads, gaming systems like the playstation, and various other entertainment items.

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Plasma TVs are an expensive but essential tool in the raising of a small child

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Harvey also points out that the tobacco, alcohol and “car modification” industries will also take a substantial hit from the removal of the baby bonus, although he admits that the baby goods industry will remain largely untouched. He also stated that “The government might as well admit that they hate small family owned businesses like my own, and that they intend to bankrupt us all and merge with China”, which he claims is the real reason behind the governments failure to support him on other issues. Harvey has threatened that he will have to lay off staff and mark prices up even further so as to maintain his personal profits and lifestyle, which “isn’t cheap”.

Harvey has previously been criticized for being at the extreme end of capitalist ideology when it comes to issues such as staff wages and store competition, but then crying foul to the government when this same capitalist system has seen internet shopping out price his own highly market-up offerings. He has made a number of public campaigns, all of which have failed to gain any support. However, given the strength of the uneducated and bogan vote in the upcoming election, many pundits predict this latest campaign will finally be the one which sticks.

NRA Fails to notice the difference between skeet shooting and people shooting

The NRA has once again proven the importance in keeping it away from political debates, with their recent criticism of President Obama’s skeet shooting hobby, says supporters of the gun control lobby in America. The NRA’s criticism centres around photos in which the president is shown firing a rifle, with the NRA claiming the president is being hypocritical in trying to ban military grade assault weapons when he himself has used many low calibre sports rifles.

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President Obama has angered the NRA by shooting at an object and not a living creature

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However, not all are criticising the NRA’s comments, with some experts claiming it provides an important study into the mindset of gun owners in the USA. One such expert, who cannot be named for fear of his life, has said that  “Clearly the NRA cannot tell the difference between using low power rifles to shoot inanimate targets in a designated sports shooting arena, and using high powered military weapons with armour piercing bullets to hunt women and children. It’s no wonder they oppose any sort of gun control, no matter how small. They clearly have no idea about the context and appropriateness of guns in society, which is why they think they need such highly powered weapons to hunt animals and protect their homes. This provides us with vital information on the psychology of gun owners in America, and we can use this to help prevent further incidents”.

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Given the NRA’s inability to tell the difference between shooting a clay pigeon and a person, many suspect this is what their members really see when target shooting

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Many experts have said that the NRA’s statement also proves that more stringent background checks are required when selling guns to the public, as it is vitally important to keep guns away from such maladjusted people. However, despite the controversy many have said that the footage of Obama skeet shooting shows a positive improvement in American gun culture. “A few years ago we had Dick Cheney shooting an attorney, now we have Obama shooting a clay pigeon. Clearly, we are starting to learn to better distinguish between people and objects, which can only be good”.

American abattoir steps in to solve school gun violence

A large abattoir in America has joined the fight against school gun violence, with a radical plan to merge the two institutions. The abattoir wants to introduce live cattle grazing into schools in the hope that enraged citizens would take to shooting the cattle instead of the children, while simultaneously reducing their own costs by reducing their need to hire professional slaughterers.

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Bambi and friends may provide an unlikely solution to gun violence in US schools

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“It’s the perfect capitalist solution” explained the abattoir spokesman. “Obviously we aren’t going to restrict ownership of guns, that would just be and extreme over reaction from a fascist government. By putting live cattle in the schools, disgruntled citizens can fire at will, and we can cart off the remains to make hamburgers. They get to kill, the children stay safe, and we get free labour. It’s a win-win”. The spokesman also explained that this would appease the ‘hippy’ lobby, as the cattle would now be living free range in having a free reign to wander around the schools.

The NRA has said that it was extremely supportive of the plan, saying that “These people who shoot children are just disgruntled freedom fighters with an urge to kill. Providing them with alternative targets is by far the best alternative, particularly if it prevents the government from bringing down extreme and probably communist gun control measures”.

The also NRA commented that they feel they have a number of things to add to the plan including providing all children in the school with hunting rifles, stating that “The more guns in school, the better. Why should we limit the ability to hunt the cattle to those who bring their own guns. Teaching children to kill from a young age can only help their social development”. They also feel that they can combine this proposal with their own armed school guard proposal, noting that if the guards have the ability to ride the cattle, it will greatly improve their manoeuvrability.

It is expected that schools in Texas will be the first to introduce this plan.

Peta, Australia reject Good Charlotte. Band replies: “We didn’t like you anyway”

PETA, the organisation behind the infamous ‘I’de rather go naked than wear fur’ campaign, has renounced former supporters Good Charlotte over their recent KFC ad campaign. PETA, which has drawn criticism about its fur campaign over the fact that celebrity supporters still use other animal products such as leather, have finally decided that the band has gone one step too far in renouncing their previous activism for money.

In response to this news the band, which has been busy annoying and patronising Australian cricket viewers, has created their own offshoot of PETA named PETABUM. PETABUM, which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals unless it Brings Us Money, is aimed at celebrities who want to be seen to be supporting a cause who then may want to immediately drop that cause if there is a profit to be made from it. “We just didn’t like them anyway” Joel Madden said, “This one time I wore a fur coat to a meeting with them, and they got all uppity about it. It was all animals this and tofu that….I just wanted to look cool while I campaigned for them god dammit!”.

PETABUM has already gained a hefty following, with many well known celebrities glad to have finally found an organisation where they can raise their public profile through activism, while still enjoying the benefits of the causes they protest against. Joel has big plans for the organisation, including a mass global concert with many gigawatts worth of light shows and dozens of international plane trips, in order to raise awareness of power conservation and the pollution caused by fossil fuels. Although Joel also says “I think that may have already been done”.

In related news, the announcement that Good Charlotte is moving to Australia has caused a highly hostile reception, with some elements even turning to ugly racism. Some elements of the public have resorted to slogans like “Go home, we’re full”, chants which have commonly appeared amongst the most racist elements of society, particularly suburban Sydney beaches.

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This cricket fan was none too pleased that Joel Madden was moving to Australia, and resorted to petty racism

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The Australian government has declared it will do all it can to keep the band out of Australia, although it has made no promises. “It’s not as easy turning around a plane of illegal immigrants, especially if they are white” Julia Gillard said at a press conference this afternoon. “Its easy to turn back a boat of black people, nobody gives a damn. But when a plane of illegal American and European immigrants turn up, people suddenly become all sympathetic and complain that they should be allowed. But dont worry, we will figure out a way to weasle out of this like we do everything else”. Tony Abbot stated that the approach the government was taking was completely wrong, although predictably refused to state how he himself would handle the situation differently.

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Taking inspiration from their Chinese counterparts, some Australians have built a wall to keep Good Charlotte out. only time will tell if their efforts are more successful.

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Channel 9 wins new Cricket TV Rights deal, announces new sponsors

Channel 9 have announced that they have secured a new 5 year TV rights deal with Cricket Australia, and as part of the new right deal have also announced a raft of new sponsorship deals. The new sponsorships involved came about as a result of a minimum sponsorship clause in the TV rights deal, designed to increase the cash flow to top CA executives and change the face of cricket coverage as we know it.

A major part of the new sponsorship deals involves branding all elements of the game, beginning wth the next local test series. KFC has sponsored the playing equipment and the stumps will now be known as the ‘crispy strips’, the ball as a ‘popcorn chicken’, the bat as an ‘original recipe drumstick’, the helmet as a bucket and the wicket keeping gloves as ‘two hands hungry for deep fried chicken’. Other elements will be branded as well, including fours which will now be a ‘domestic quantas flight’, with sixes the international equivalent. The umpires will now be known as the ‘Commonwealth Bosses’ or ‘scumbags’ for short, and the players will all now be known as ‘happy VB drinkers’. Whenever a player makes a mistake in the field it will be called ‘another channel 10 blunder’, and whenever a batsman is out it will be ‘channel 7 stuffing up again’.

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Clarke creams a delicious pull shot in his new gear

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Cross promotion of channel 9 shows will also be an important part of the new advertising. As a minimum, every sentence must be finished with a description of channel 9’s newest attempt at a show, with Ian Healy required to butt in for no reason to plug a show at least twice an over. The newest camera innovation, the ‘cross promotion cam’ will also be introduced, which will superimpose the heads of channel 9 personalities onto the players.

A channel 9 executive commented on the new deal saying it was “the best thing that ever happened to channel 9, and therefore cricket. The new money from advertising will allow us to implement a number of new camera initiatives including a camera in the stumps pointing directly upwards, a camera attached to a bird which flies around the stadium, and even a number of cameras in the change room so we can see exactly what the players are doing in glorious 3D. We also hope to implement multiple segway cameras on the field during play, although the rules of cricket will have to be amended so that the players are made to avoid them. Rest assured though that that Ian Healy will not be allowed anywhere near that one”. It was also suggested that the infamous comfort meter might be re-introduced, as well as a device fitted to the players which measures how hungry they are, and an anal probe.

Coles fined by ACCC over “grossly indecent” ad campaign

The ACCC has struck a blow in the supermarket wars after fining Coles for what it describes as a ‘grossly and indecently annoying ad campaign’. The ‘Down down’  ad campaign, which had apparently been bordering on breaking the guidelines already, finally overstepped the mark with its recent addition which includes a wide-eyed buck-tooth man in an apparent attempt to scare small children.

In releasing the finding the ACCC suspects Coles of attempting a form of subliminal advertising, saying that Coles were “clearly trying to get into our dreams and turn them into nightmares about the supermarket. Why else would they have created such a hellish ad sure to drive away customers.  It can’t have been by accident.”

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Thousands of people driven insane by the increasingly annoying ad campaign stage a protest

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The ACCC have announced that this has been the most expensive investigation undertaken, as a result of the significant overtime and injury compensation paid to the workers employed to watch the ad multiple times. “At first we thought that we were being overly generous.  However we have 3 of the 5 case workers receiving counselling and unfortunately 1 is on suicide watch. These are the dangers of investigating such indecent and annoying advertising, and a risk we must take to protect the public.”

Neither Coles nor Safeway would comment on the finding though both said they would continue to squeeze the livelihood of local farmers and embark on intrusive ad campaigns, in order to continue to deliver high prices while swindling the Australian public into believing they are getting a good deal for their everyday groceries.

Peter Jackson to direct ‘Hungry Caterpillar’ Trilogy

In news fresh out of Hollywood this morning, it has been announced that Peter Jackson will be directing the new ‘Hungry Caterpillar’ trilogy, based upon the beloved children’s book. Warner Brothers had reportedly been searching for a director for months, and decided upon Jackson late last week.

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This caterpillar could take up to 12 hours to satiate his clearly ravenous hunger

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“Peter is just such a wonderful director, we are extremely happy to have acquired him” a Warner Brothers spokesman said. “He has a superb record in making outstanding movies, and his habit of turning short books into a number of highly profitable movies is just what we were looking for”.

When asked why and how he had decided to turn a short children’s picture book into a 3-movie series, Jackson replied “When I saw the script I just couldn’t cut any of it. The writers had just added so much to the original story, and it seemed a shame to cut it short. A trilogy really gives us time to explore the epic journey of one hungry little caterpillar, and allows the special effects guys to have a field day”.

There are reports that Johnny Depp has been approached for a major role as has Helena Bonham Carter, although there are doubts that Jackson will be able to pry either one away from Tim Burton. There are also reports that Hugo Weaving could be making an appearance as the main protagonist, although some say this is also unlikely as Jackson seems to be the only director who likes to cast him as a ‘good guy’. Jackson’s preference for location seems to be New Zealand again, as he has found it ‘pretty easy’ to find cheap extras there. The first movie is set to hit cinemas in 2015.

‘Lord’ Monckton in hospital after eyes escape

In a gruesome turn of events, the infamous ‘Lord’ Monckton was rushed to hospital after his eyes burst from his head during a conference earlier today. Monkton was giving a speech and, in a rare break from tradition, answering questions on his theories at a liberal party and business group sponsored climate conference when the gruesome incident happened. Monckton had been about to answer a question when, after many years of trying, his eyes finally popped out. Several ‘eye’ witnesses have recounted the disturbing events.

“Monckton looked agitated the whole time” one witness said. “During his speech he was getting very animated and often confused. Then afterwards, when he was answering questions, one journalist asked him about why he thought he could discount the research of thousands of scientists when he himself had never done a single scientific study. He seriously looked like he would erupt and sure enough, when he was about to speak, POP! Both of his eyes just fell onto the floor.”

Another witness said “It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. To see a man’s eyes fall out, I cannot imagine anything worse. Several of the ladies up the front shrieked and ran for the door, a few people vomited, and one man even fainted. And when his eyes fell out, it just made things worse!”

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‘Lord’ Monckons eyes seen here in one of their many attempts to escape

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Sources close to Monckton report he is currently receiving the best help medical science can provide, which many have said is ironic given his apparent reluctance to accept some other sciences. ‘Lord’ Monckton’s eyes are the first body part of his to be confirmed to have successfully escaped from his body, although many would suggest his brain escaped long ago.

Ever keen to get in on the act, a number of betting agencies have framed markets as to which body part of his will be the next to escape, with his eyebrows and hair being the firm favourites. Other favourites include his middle fingers, his tongue, his left leg and his asshole. However one pundit has some clear advice as to which body part will be departing last. “There’s no way his gall bladder will be going. With the amount of bile that man produces, it must feel like the most loved gall bladder in the world.”

Man comes out of closet: Finds more room for clothes

27 year old Gary Smith finally came out of the closet today in a bid for a new life. Mr Smith has known he is homosexual since the age of 14, but spent the past 13 years of his life living in the closet.

“It was a really big decision” Mr Smith said in an interview with reporters, “It was just so comfortable living in the closet, you just have that sense of security. However, it was very lonely, and I felt now is the right time to make a change”. He described the hardest part as finding the courage to admit that living in the closet had been a ‘bad decision from the start’, but said the best part about having come out was having much more room to store his clothes.

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Gary Smith discovered that there is much more room in his closet when there isnt a person living in it.

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“You just don’t realise how much space you need to live until you really start to expand and dream of bigger things” he said. “It’s ok when you’re a kid and all you need is a bed and a laptop. Now that I’ve grown up, I just found that I needed more in my life”. He said that upon finding this extra space, he immediately added to his shoe and scarf collection.

Parents Judy and Max, who have known their son was gay since the age of 15, said that it was such a relief that their son had finally come out. “We were just so worried about his mental state” commented his mother, “living in the closet for so long must have been so bad for his social life. He couldn’t even bring any boys over. He’s not even agoraphobic!”. His father added that “It’s just so good that we now have a chance to really get to know our son. It’s very hard when you have to yell at someone through a door”.

Gary said that he intends to get on with his life, making good use of his new found space. He hopes to find a room in the short term, and perhaps even move into an entire house, although this goal he says this is “all but a dream. Still, it’s going to be nice not having to worry so much about moths and spiders anymore”.