A large abattoir in America has joined the fight against school gun violence, with a radical plan to merge the two institutions. The abattoir wants to introduce live cattle grazing into schools in the hope that enraged citizens would take to shooting the cattle instead of the children, while simultaneously reducing their own costs by reducing their need to hire professional slaughterers.
——————————————————————————————-
Bambi and friends may provide an unlikely solution to gun violence in US schools
——————————————————————————————-
“It’s the perfect capitalist solution” explained the abattoir spokesman. “Obviously we aren’t going to restrict ownership of guns, that would just be and extreme over reaction from a fascist government. By putting live cattle in the schools, disgruntled citizens can fire at will, and we can cart off the remains to make hamburgers. They get to kill, the children stay safe, and we get free labour. It’s a win-win”. The spokesman also explained that this would appease the ‘hippy’ lobby, as the cattle would now be living free range in having a free reign to wander around the schools.
The NRA has said that it was extremely supportive of the plan, saying that “These people who shoot children are just disgruntled freedom fighters with an urge to kill. Providing them with alternative targets is by far the best alternative, particularly if it prevents the government from bringing down extreme and probably communist gun control measures”.
The also NRA commented that they feel they have a number of things to add to the plan including providing all children in the school with hunting rifles, stating that “The more guns in school, the better. Why should we limit the ability to hunt the cattle to those who bring their own guns. Teaching children to kill from a young age can only help their social development”. They also feel that they can combine this proposal with their own armed school guard proposal, noting that if the guards have the ability to ride the cattle, it will greatly improve their manoeuvrability.
It is expected that schools in Texas will be the first to introduce this plan.
The 'Strine 