In a dramatic turn of events, an unnamed janitor at a major Melbourne cathedral in the CBD has been accused of sweeping dirt underneath the carpet. Church Dean Andrew Lowre held a short press conference to confirm that the allegations were being taken seriously, and a full investigation undertaken.
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The future of the broom in question is uncertain. A church spokesman assured us that counselling would be provided to the broom if required.
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Lowre stated that police would be involved and would be given full cooperation, including handing over evidence or even the accused janitor for questioning if required.
When questioned about whether sweeping things under the carpet was a church policy, Lowre replied “certainly not, nothing ever gets swept under the carpet here, we do things properly. If the janitor had needed to sweep something under the carpet, he certainly should have come to me first. We could have come up with another solution, like moving it somewhere else, or giving it a new name such as sand or gravel. But certainly not sweep it under the carpet”.
When asked whether this same cooperation would be extended to the police investigation of child abuse within the church, Lowre replied “Certainly not! There are no kiddy-fiddlers here” and promptly called an end to the press conference.
The janitor in question could not be contacted for comment, although it is believed he is still working, possibly in another Victorian church or even interstate.
The 'Strine 